


hold back the river

by badlands (delusiohns)



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Alternate Universes, Character Death, F/F, F/M, References to Drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 03:44:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13205172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delusiohns/pseuds/badlands
Summary: All she can think about is how things could have been differently, things didn't have to end up like this.





	hold back the river

**Author's Note:**

> i can't give up on the gossip girl fandom

She's on a train, she doesn't know where she's headed as long as it's far away from the Upper Eastside. It's predicable, she knows, it's what she does. She runs away. As much as Serena tries to grow and progress, she's always reverted to her worse self. High school Serena is inescapable. The Serena that wants everything she can't have, trying to fill the void her father left when he left her family. 

 

As soon as there's any character development, a fight with Blair or a new guy will have it come crashing down and Serena has to get out the hardhats to begin construction once again. It's easier to slip into her old self and go back to old habits when that's all anyone sees in her anyway. It's easy to do what they expect when they have no other expectations. 

 

So Serena gets on a train after, once again, ruining her relationships with those she cares most about. She's not only running away for herself, she tells herself she's doing it for them as well. Everyone's lives would be easier if shes not around so she's bowing out. She's tired of fighting with Blair, she's tired of letting Dan down, and they don't want her anyway.

 

Serena vows that this is the last time. She sends Damien a text, he tells her that he's still in hot water with his father but he'll send one of his guys to her. She closes her eyes, with the image of Manhattan disappearing into the distance lingering in her mind. She thinks to herself,  _I'm not coming back. I'm never coming back._

 

Damien, sleazy and largely untrustworthy, has always been a reliable drug dealer. His friend comes quickly to deliver what she needs and he's just as sleazy as Damien. Most of those boys are gross and hungry for whatever they can get their hands on, Serena knows that. She doesn't care who he is, or what his name is, and she tells him just as much. 

 

The drugs are causing Serena to come in and out of conscious. She finds herself stuck between reality and an altered sense of consciousness. All she can think about is how things could have been differently, things didn't have to end up like this.

 

She thinks:

 

There's a universe where she's in love with Blair Waldorf and Blair is in love with her. They still live together but Dorota only keeps after one room, one bed. Blair accompanies her for waffles with Lily and Rufus. There are no princes, or writers, or lacrosse players getting in the way of things. Her best friend belongs to her and her alone. Her best friend is her soulmate and the love of her life. There isn't a string of men that Serena has to drag through her life because Blair and Serena found each other early on, even if it took a while to understand why she couldn't see herself beside anyone but Blair. Or why Blair and Serena had been so intent on ruining and sabotaging each other's relationships. 

or

There's a universe where Nate and Blair end up together. Nate was just as in love with Blair as Blair was with him. Nate never looked at Serena, Serena never knocked Blair's golden boy off of his white horse, and Nate never came between them. They had the love story that people wished for, that romantic films tried to capture, and that Blair had dreamed of since she was a child. 

or

Blair runs off with Chuck because he's her soulmate, it doesn't matter if he's not a prince. They never get into the car accident, Blair keeps her baby and doesn't make a promise to God to try save Chuck's life. Blair breaks things off with Louis, who eventually gives away parental rights after being pressured by his mother. Blair gives birth to a beautiful, little girl and Chuck Bass is an amazing father. He is nothing like Bart Bass and Blair couldn't be prouder. They don't let Nate babysit but he is the best uncle a little girl can have. They do let Dan and Serena babysit, even if Dan wanted nothing to do with the child at first. But as soon as Dan saw those big, brown Waldorf eyes and round Waldorf cheeks, he was gone. 

In this universe, after they put the baby to sleep by reading children stories that Dan wrote for her, they spend the whole night talking. Because Dan and Serena got another chance and Serena's not going to make the same mistakes again. They try to mend themselves as they move on from their past, together. They're honest and open with each other so trust issues, jealousy, insecurity aren't fatal anymore.

or

Dan lives in a universe where Chuck Bass doesn't get the girl. Because Blair liked feeling strong and safe. Dan became a successful and distinguished writer, Blair succeeded as head of her mother's company. They traveled together, watching obscure films and filling each other with knowledge as ancient languages dripped from their tongues. Blair brought out Dan's deviant side, opened him up to adventure. Dan brought out Blair's mature side, appreciated her in ways she hadn't been before. They complimented each other.

In this universe, Serena learns her best friend's happiness is the most important thing to her. And she falls back into Nate's arms because even if he has doubts, he always comes back to her. 

 

Serena's drifting in and out of consciousness. She's slightly aware of the sound of the ambulance and a pounding in her head. Images of golden worlds and perfect smiles are fading as the paramedics are rushing to her. She's trying to move but she can't will her body to cooperate. 

 

This feels like the end. Serena knows it is. 

 

So she stops trying.

 

And eventually it all just goes black. 

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is


End file.
